A Tribute to a Master Baker

Mildly NSFW

There follows a seasonal tale of cake and karma told in the style of the traditional murder-themed nursery rhyme “Who Killed Cock Robin” (the video below is for anyone who wants to check out the tune).



Have you seen this cake?

It was quite a surprise,

Right in front of my eyes

To see such a cake.


Is that a pair of robins?

Santa hats on their heads,

To match their red breasts.

Yes that’s a pair of robins.


On what are they perched?

Is that a yule log?

No wait, it’s a knob

On which they are perched.


What was my reaction?

Uncontrollable laughing,

You could even call it cackling.

That was my reaction.


May I take a pic?

So I can spread the joy

To all the girls and boys.

I’d like to take a pic.


I made it for you,

Angela replied.

You can do what you like,

I made it for you.


But why a penis cake?

I was honestly confused!

She said some jokes I made were crude,

That’s why a penis cake.


Who’ll Eat Cock Robin?

I will, if you please,

On Christmas cake with cheese,

I’ll eat Cock Robin.


All the boys in the room

Crossed their legs and started sobbing,

As the knife sliced through

Jolly Cock Robin.


If you got this far without clutching your pearls then I think you can handle some pictures of the glorious cake which inspired me to drag an innocent childhood rhyme down into the gutter. The master baker responsible is my friend Angela, to whom I am immensely grateful for giving me both a good laugh and some excellent cake.


The Cake Science is Not a Lie

Yorkshire has a tradition of eating cheese with Christmas cake. I recently mentioned it to an American friend who was interested in how holiday foods vary between our nations and she was horrified. In fact she was even more appalled than Americans usually are when I try to explain how utterly scrumptious a rich fruit cake is. Apparently over there giving someone a fruit cake is considered to be about as friendly as leaving a horse’s head in their bed. Oh well, that just leaves more fruit cake for me!

Yesterday I was talking about Christmas cake with a local friend, and she asked me if I had ever tried heating it and serving with custard. She claims this treatment makes it taste like Christmas pudding. I’ve never tried this, but considering the similarity of the ingredients I’m inclined to believe her. I wouldn’t pour custard over it though. While developing a method of reducing aversions I used my lifelong aversion to custard as a test subject, with the result that I can now eat and enjoy several foodstuffs involving it. The thought of the hot runny variant poured all over a perfectly good pudding still gives me the creeps, but I would definitely try hot Christmas cake with brandy butter.

Naturally I responded to the hot cake query (having established earlier that the questioner sometimes partakes of cheese with Christmas cake) by weaving the conversational threads together into the idea of serving hot Christmas cake with melted cheese on top. I imagine something like cheese on toast, but much stickier. I fully intend to try it out next time I get my hands on some Christmas cake, just for science, as does the friend I suggested it to.

So there you have it – I will be conducting some cake science in the next few weeks. Everything is better with cake science.

Science reminds me of testing.

Testing and cake remind me of GLaDOS, and therefore Portal and Portal 2. I hear my Xbox calling…