Pulling Myself Clear

In a world of social media  it seems like everything we share should be a shiny mixture of success and smiles. Being the person with crap like depression, anxiety and unemployment to report makes me feel like I’m proffering a tray of turds while those around me share chocolates. Turds may not be tasty but they can be composted to feed plants that turn into beautiful flowers. There’s a creativity metaphor in there somewhere…

Life hasn’t been good for a while, but I’m getting better. The lights inside still flicker on and off, but they stay on enough that I’m beginning to write again. Some days I can almost remember how to organise my limbs well enough to play the drums. I have moments when the drive to write music is incredibly painful, which is unpleasant but better than feeling dead inside.

“Horses in my dreams” by PJ Harvey reminds me of the surreal crawl from illness towards being well. The lyrics are in the past tense, but I feel like I am living them in the present. I’m pulling myself clear in silence, setting myself free again. One of these days I might even throw my bad fortune off the top of a tall building… 

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